Thursday, May 17, 2012

To the Insecure

A little pick-me-up picture {Source}
It's about to get real vulnerable up in this blog post. And for me, I mean real vulnerable.

Since the beginning of last year I realized a lot of different characteristics in myself that I either chose not to accept or just flat out never noticed. In addition to recognizing my unhealthy craving for perfectionsim (as I've mentioned in previous posts) I've also found that I have even more insecurities that I keep hidden---it's like that tacky prom dress in the back of the closest that you hold onto for sentimental reasons. Though, to be honest I keep them hidden because I'm afraid of the consequences.

I am continually in the process of pinpointing what those small, yet nagging insecurities are, but I do know that I too often care about what others think of me and constantly worry that I am never measuring up.
For my entire life I've been lied to...though, I admit, the liar has always been myself.

I have no idea where it originated from, but I have constantly had the idea that if I'm not meeting above average standards then I might as well quit trying. I find myself in situations where I am constantly shrinking away from a task because I just don't think I'm capable of completing it as well as the next person.

It is a constant cycle of time lost and unnecessary fears.

Everytime a golden opportunity passes me by because I was too afraid to grab a hold of it, I become that much more self-conscious and angry at myself. My main question is always, "What's wrong with me?" Then I wonder if anyone else feels as ridiculous as I do.

These insecurities creep their way into my daily life, in the moments that I walk away from a good conversation because I'm too concerned about being judged for what I say...intimidated that I don't have anything witty or smart to contribute.

I love writing and reading, but by no means am I a seasoned reader of classic literature.

I love to be creative, but often find that someone else has already come up with the idea.

I love to have insightful conversation, but find it hard to articulate my thoughts into speech.

One thing I know for sure is that my insecurities have stripped my faith of the love, grace, and patience that God has provided. I've been relying on myself to succeed in this life, to achieve something of greatness, and to be everything excellent to all people.

During my recent graduation ceremony at APU, one of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist blessed the graduates as the commencement speaker with these words:
"Start where you can, when you can, with what you have. Start with your belief that God loves you, and that he made you on purpose and for a purpose. Not for a moment, but for an ongoing lifestyle of service and sacrifice and vision.  Don’t wait around and expect that amazing experience to come find you and tap you on the shoulder. Start making the world better every day, every day, every day, with your hands and your resources and your love and your willingness and your belief and along the way, you will find your place...You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, as though that was not enough, the God of the Universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural." -Shauna Niequist, May 5, 2012, Azusa Pacific University
My generation (Y) has always been concerned with making the world a better place and being the best in all that you do. So, at first, Shauna's commission to "Start making the world better every day," seemed like a daunting one. But what I actually took away from that moment--sitting at my college graduation--was an image of God filling me everyday with everything that I might need. Every moment I feel that I am lacking means that I am not acknowledging the Spirit's work within me.

It's time to push the lies aside and realize that everytime I feel at a loss for words or that I simply don't measure up, is a time that I am denying God's power.  Breaking the barriers of my insecurities will be a constant battle, but I will live to know that my worth and purpose is found in Him alone, and for that I am SO thankful.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Postgrad Purpose

Class of 2012
Five days post graduation I began my first real, strap-on-your-heels, job as a temporary copy editor for the non-profit  Reasons To Believe (RTB). (And for those who have no idea what a copy editor's job description is, read the following: an editor of type, a connoisseur of vocabulary, and often a grammar snob....)

Reasons is an organization based in Glendora, Calif. with a mission to bridge the gap between science and Christian faith.

Sounds like a pretty daunting mission statement, huh? ...

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Finale

Class of 2012 :)
 Here I am again.  Releasing a week's worth of excitement out on my blog when I should be completing one of my final papers. Final. Everything I do these days is so final.